All Hale Whale Jail

So yesterday a lady came in and gave a workplace trust and respect presentation. I had prepared mentally for this - I would be on my best behavior. No jokes. No snide or sarcastic remarks. Still, I think I offended the trainer but it really wasn't my fault. In this case, the blame rests rather firmly on the Killer whales. But they can't help it. They're natural born killers.

Some of you may be aware of the recent killing perpetrated by an orca at the Orlando Florida Seaworld. Tillikum, the killer whale, murdered his trainer by pulling her in by the pony tail and drowning her. Apparently their warning labels fail to dissuade people from the reality that they might get killed. I am not sure what this means but with a slight re-arranging of the letters in the name Tillikum, you end up with "U Kill Tim." Luckily Lake Michigan is whale free. But it does seem weird that people would be shocked that a killer whale, killed someone. It just makes sense.

For instance, if everyone called a particular guy "Domestic Violence Bob", I am pretty sure I would steer clear of Bob. And I am certain no one would go swimming with Bob or have him entertain a large stadium full of young children and their families. You would probably think: "Man, Bob must have done something to deserve that name." But for some reason with marine mammals, we don't hesitate to put lunch wrapped in a wetsuit into their tank and expect them not to eat us. Tillikum committed his third murder at the end of February. We all suffered the unbearable irony of hearing the public relations people at Seaworld defend the orcas saying, "It isn't in the character of killer whales to kill." And in Florida, where Tillikum could get the death penalty, his sentence was commuted to life at Sea World - a fate worse than death. But back to the training.

Everything was going well. I sat up straight, was respectful, participated and even asked an insightful question about gender differences and body language. But no amount of self-restraint could have prepared me for what came next. It was a video called Whale Done: The Power of Positive Relationships. It featured, you guessed correctly, the killer whales of Seaworld Orlando. The mantra of the video between every segment was, "If you can learn to trust a Killer Whale, you can learn to build trust and respect in the workplace." The silence of my disbelief prefaced any observable reaction. The video was a management video - about how you could control employees in the same way the trainers control the killer whales at sea world. I began to wonder if the woman I supervise would ever murder me during a routine updating of the database. The video continued to talk about how the whales felt respected so they performed. I couldn't believe what I was watching.

And then it happened. Like a submarine under extreme deep sea pressure, I sprung a leak. Air shot out of my notrils and I made a snorting noise. I tried to hold my mouth so I wouldn't spring more leaks but nothing could be done - the ship was sinking. And then I started laughing muffled and uncontrollably. Luckily I was in the back on the room. A couple people looked back and apparently they too felt the giggles. The guy next to me started laughing and rocking back and forth in his chair. One of my other co-workers blurted out a warning to one of the sea world trainers in the video as the whale jumped out of the tank, "Look Out!" Soon the room was aroar in a disrespectful and raucous laughter. It was just too ridiculous. The lady giving the presentation looked dismayed - these whales had turned on her. They were all laughing at her presentation on respect. We couldn't help it. We were not made for cubicles and presentations on respect. We were meant for laughter.

I guess there are certain things that we just can't help. For killer whales, it's murder. For guys like me it's uncontrollable laughter at things ubsurd.

You can't keep people in a tank when they were meant for something bigger. They might be cool for a long time, even years. But sooner or later, they want to break free, laugh and dance and snort. At the end of the day, I couldn't help but think the orcas of seaworld had brought us closer. The presentation wasn't a total loss. So to the orcas and to the downcast facilitor. I must tip my hat and exclaim for the world to hear, "Whale Done!"