Body Nacho Believers

Some people say that an idle mind is the Devil's playground. The day I thought of body nachos, the devil must have had an extended recess.

My Senior year in college, I was a Resident Assistant in a freshman dorm. Each week each RA was required to come up with two activities that would interest freshmen and keep them from doing what they really wanted to do: make babies and drink low quality grain liquor. This wouldn't be so hard except that we weren't aloud to repeat activities. In the beginning this was easy. We would play board games, do art, have a movie night. About mid January, we ran out of ideas. There are only so many things that will keep a willful freshman from drinking grain liquor. So we started getting "creative." I had already taken people squirrel fishing and made a giant hottub out of the back of my truck. What was left to do? And then and there my idle and crooked mind hatched an idea for a perverse hybrid of two opposing concepts. Like forcing a cat and a dog to fall in love and make pitties (puppy-kittens), the plan was quite unnatural.

The basics of my plan were rather elementary and are as follows.

A. There are two things most people love: 1) swimming 2) nachos. Perhaps I could combine these two things.

B. I knew I couldn't afford enough nacho cheese for everyone to swim in nachos.

C. I could afford enough for me to swim in a kiddy pool full of nachos while people casually ate nachos off of my body like I was a giant mexican appetizer

Now every idea for an activity must be pitched to the the resident director and to the other RA's for approval. So I pitched the idea and no one understood it so they approved it - just to be nice.

Soon the night of body nachos was upon us. The posters had been hung, 5 gallons of "cheese" had been purchased at Costco. Two restaurant sized bags of tortilla chips were poised upright next to a large blue kiddy pool. About half past 8, I stripped down to my swim trunks and asked for the help of my assistant. Swiftly she commenced wrapping my entire half-naked body in plastic wrap. As I spun, she walked around me. And in about 3 minutes, my hairy chubby body could be seen, pressed and contorted underneath the translucent cellophane. I put my swim goggles on and wide-eyed freshmen gasped and gagged in incomprehensible gutterals of utter digust. Freshmen took turns pouring luke-warm cheese sauce over my chip-lined body. And then, like the Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldron, a couple courageous freshman girls took their first steps into a brave new world. They picked up a dry chip, ran it across my cheesy torso and ate. And they became the first to participate in this unholy tex-mex communion. But others soon followed. It became a sort of dare for them. Who will eat nachos off of the hairy red-headed guy? And then the terrible thing happened. Somebody got the idea of adding canned Jalapenos to the mix - a move I supported at first. As the gallon can of sliced jalapenos was poured on my quivering body, an achilles heel of sorts became shortly apparent. "My armpits! My God, my armpits are burning!" And as quickly as it began, body nachos ended. I lept from the kiddy pool dripping like the swamp thing with velveeta, chips and jalapenos and ran as fast as I could through the dorm to the showers. People screamed and jumped into their rooms as I ran toward them yelping in pain. And I came to rest in the cool refreshment of the shower - a trail of processed cheese behind me.

Maybe we need more crazy Christians - maybe we need more people willing to do things that seem insane in order to get the attention of the world. We have plenty of board game, movie night Christians. We need more Body Nacho Christians. What crazy thing is God calling you to do? Do it. You won't regret it.